I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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