I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
