just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."