This house was built for laser tag.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?