No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick