We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
