But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
