i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
These tits shall not be calmed
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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