Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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