Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
