My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
