What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
