My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
