i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
