Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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