mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
