between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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