dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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