I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
