I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
