Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
