You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize