do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
