she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
