my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
