were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
