Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Text me some of your sweat
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