I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
