My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
