Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
