a search helicopter?!
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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