I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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