Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
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