my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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