I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
