i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
