I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
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thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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