'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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