last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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