Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
