So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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