my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
