separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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