listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
