I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
