whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
