a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
