The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize