if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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