my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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