I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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