woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
