just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
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Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
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Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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