After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
