I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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