Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
